The First Time He Hit Me

I’m writing this blog for the millions of survivors of domestic violence. There is so much shame survivors feel about having been abused. The culture makes it worse, sometimes. We get asked questions like “ Why didn’t you leave sooner”, or “ Why didn’t you tell someone “, or, “Did you report it to the police.” Another good one is, “ Why didn’t you fight back”? That one’s my personal favorite. The truth about domestic violence, and what leads up to it, is much more complex. I want to explain it, from my personal experience with it.

When I met my ex, I was 24. He was much older, charming and charismatic. At that point, I had no experience with NPD ( Narcissistic Personality Disorder). One of the first things NPD people do, is called “ love bombing”. They focus on the object of their attention like a laser. They pursue, they charm, they flatter. It’s somewhat surreal, having someone focus on you so intensely. He started courting me aggressively. Within the first month of seeing me, he told me he loved me. He was going on a trip to Paris with a friend. He asked me to go with him. At that point, I had been overwhelmed by how fast he was moving, so I declined. When he returned, he had brought me gifts, and told me how much he missed me. He was married. I explained that I was not comfortable moving forward with a married man. He told me that he knew I was the woman he had been waiting for, and was going to get a divorce. I told him that I didn’t believe that. Within two months he began divorce proceedings. Within four months he had moved in with me. The whole experience was happening at light speed. The love bombing was constant.

Gradually, I began to relax, to trust him. I tried to overlook certain aspects of his personality, the control issues, the hints of paranoia. He started to make recommendations about my wardrobe, all under the guise of helping me. I took his possessiveness and jealously as a compliment at first. It became progressively worse over time.

The first time he hit me was just after we got married. I was sitting on the floor, sorting through some books in our sitting room. He asked me to move, and I was engrossed in what I was doing, and said I wanted to finish up. He casually backhanded me across the face, with enough force to knock me flat. I was in shock, literally. I remember that first time like it was yesterday. I was weeping, lying there. He pulled me up, and into the bedroom. And then the gaslighting started. “ You made me hit you. If you had done what I asked, I wouldn’t have had to do that”.

Let me explain a little about gaslighting. It’s a term used to describe a technique to get someone to question their own reality. It’s very common with narcissists. They flip everything around. In the beginning, it’s effective. When you’re in shock, the switching back and forth from love bombing to gaslighting is a nightmare. It’s almost impossible to process. This is one of the things that paralyzes us. As that continues, the abuse/Love dynamic becomes a fact of life, turning into PTSD.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is neurological. It is a permanent change in the brain from severe trauma. It is coupled with adrenal exhaustion, with a constant hyper vigilance. It’s not something that you’re even aware of, at first. Living with someone with NPD means that you are constantly aware of their moods, and are trying to manage them, just to keep yourself safe. The loss of self is subtle, and gradual. Considering a way out is not an option in the beginning, because you’re still in love with your partner, and initially, the gaslighting is working. It’s all your fault.

This is what most people don’t get about abuse. If they did, they wouldn’t ask the stupid questions they do. They don’t understand PTSD. They don’t understand gaslighting. They don’t understand the gradual loss of self-trust, or the constant fear. The despair.

As time went on, the violence escalated. It became life threatening. After twelve years, I knew I had to get out, or he would kill me. I won’t go into details, to avoid triggering other survivors. Suffice it to say, watching “ What’s Love Got To Do With It”, Tina Turner’s life story, was an eerily accurate reflection of my life.

My experiences changed me, yes. They are why I’ve chosen to dedicate my life to working with survivors of sexual abuse, domestic violence, and abuse of all kinds. I try to educate people about the aftermath of abuse, and that healing is possible. I also understand what’s happening in this country in a way that someone who has not been abused can’t. I was married to a man very much like Trump. Malignant narcissists believe they are above the law. They manipulate everyone around them. They are sociopaths with no conscience. People get taken in by them, attracted by the force of their personality, their money, their charm. It’s only their spouses, their children, that are exposed to the truth of who they really are. Being in a relationship with one of them gives you psychic whiplash. I understand the bewilderment of an entire country. The question “ How did this happen to us” has been asked of ourselves, as survivors, as we came to sanity, after years of abuse. I grieve for the country, as it struggles with denial, hopelessness, fear, confusion, and gaslighting. All survivors of domestic violence know this story. And I can promise you, if the country doesn’t divorce Trump, it will only get worse. In an abusive relationship, denial is not your friend.

I stand for survivors everywhere. I stand for the country, and what it’s going through. It’s really hard to look at the truth for some people who have never healed their own experiences. Those are the apologists, the enablers that we’re seeing now. Or, they themselves are offenders. And are abusing the country, as well. It’s one or the other.

For those still in abusive relationships, I understand. Don’t let anyone shame you. Don’t beat yourself up. Try to tell someone who is a safe person for you. Carl Jung said “ I am not defined by what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” Healing is possible. You are stronger than you know. And despite the gaslighting, recognize that it was never your fault. I got out. You can, too. I’m sending love and light to survivors everywhere. Blessed be, Reverend Judith Star-Medicine

Teachings From Classical Chinese Medicine and My Experiences With Possession and Exorcisms

I have been blessed and privileged in my life to have studied and worked with a renowned Taoist Master, Dr. Yuen, for twenty three years. Dr Yuen teaches Classical Chinese Medicine, which is ancient. It is rooted in Taoism, going back thousands of years.( Traditional Chinese Medicine is from post-Communist China, only about 65 years old). The two are very different, with TCM having been westernized by the Communist regimes, with all of the Taoist teachings removed, all spiritual references stripped away. While all Chinese medicine is powerful, Classical Chinese medicine is far more so. It’s approach is that all healing begins with the healing of the Spirit.

My first class with Master Yuen was in 1996. It was an introduction to herbal medicine. I began studying Chinese medicine in 1994, and had already become certified in a type of acupressure, which incorporates Ericsonian hypnotherapy, Reichian techniques based on the teachings of Wilhelm Reich, and other tools to facilitate somatic release. I fell in love with Chinese medicine, and wanted to go further. At that time, Dr Yuen was the Dean of Oriental Medicine at the Swedish Institute in NYC. I had heard about him, and was eager to study with him.

As a Clairvoyant Empath and Medium, and Druid priestess, I’ve always been able to see spirits of all kinds, the dead, ghosts, the souls of all living things. Animals, trees, stones, Nature Spirits, the Elementals, Guides and Teachers, all of it a part of my life from earliest childhood. I started doing Medical Intuitive readings when I was very young. Since I am a hereditary psychic, no one in my family was surprised. Rather, it was expected. The other thing I’ve always been able to see are demonic entities. That gives me enormous compassion for the people who are involuntarily hosting one. What I love about Classical Chinese Medicine and other traditions is that they encompass all of these things. It’s incredibly shamanic, similar in many ways to indigenous culture teachings, which have been a part of my path for most of my life. ( Since I am sensitive to Native people and their history of genocide, land theft, and cultural appropriation, I avoid the New Age Movement’s use of certain titles, like “Shaman.”  My techniques are my own, developed in childhood and throughout my life by the guidance of a Master Teacher, and trainings and memories from previous incarnations that were always accessible to me.)

The first class that Dr Yuen taught on possession that I attended was in 2000. He taught another one in 2002, and another in 2006. It was an enormous relief for me to be sitting in a classroom with 70 people, listening to Dr Yuen teaching about the different levels of possession, the types of entities, and their effect on people, physically and spiritually. Hearing a world famous teacher speaking so matter of factly about things most people know nothing about, was a gift. Other cultures have protocols for dealing with entities, but not ours. Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Native cultures, all deal with this subject.

One of my biggest issues with the New Age Movement is the removal of indigenous culture teachings around possession, because they see it as “negative.” That’s unfortunate. It leaves people in the dark about what’s happening to them, and provides no tools for healing. Classical Chinese medicine provides the necessary tools to help people reclaim their own divinity. Their own Divine Blueprint that  their soul came in with. Acupuncture, using ancient Point combinations, Exorcism, Stones, Essential Oils, and spiritual practices help restore the individual to their true state.

During a conversation with Dr Yuen, where we were discussing possession and the after-effects of an exorcism, he was explaining how an entity “ forces the soul to have traumatic life experiences that were never a part of its curriculum or Karma “. I cried. I’ve seen it over and over in my practice. Denying the reality of the supernatural changes nothing. These things exist whether people believe in them or not. Personally, I find it incredible that people don’t believe that entities are real, after all, they’re all through the Bible. The word “evil “ is mentioned in the Bible 613 times. Jesus performed numerous exorcisms. The Hindu deity Durga is seen as the fierce protector, and banisher of demons. The Karana Mudra in Buddhism is said to “ Banish demons and Quell evil”. But western culture denies the existence of all of it. Perfect.

Over the past year alone, I have performed about 34 exorcisms. As I’ve said, I was taught how to do this and other types of protection work, including binding the entity away from someone, when I was young. I understand that it’s not for everyone. All Healers have their own gifts, their own magic. For whatever reason, this is very familiar and comfortable for me. My Sacred Space is set up for this. I am supported and protected. I live in a Crystal Cave with 35 tons of Calcite boulders in the ceiling. Seeing someone begin a new life, the life they were always meant to live, is so moving. I told Dr Yuen that I will do this for the rest of my life. He said, “ I believe that this is what you were born to do”. My answer? “ Well, we all know I wasn’t born to cook”.

People have asked me which Stones are good for protection. Some of the Stones that are powerful for protection are Obsidian, Labradorite, Smokey Quartz, Realgar, Cinnabar, and Rose Quartz, because Rose Quartz represents Divine Love. Divine Love is the ultimate alchemist, burning away anything not of the Light. Obsidian is my personal favorite. It deflects all negative energy. It vibrates to the planet Pluto, and is a bridge to the Void. I have it in the four directions in my office, and in my bedroom. I have all of the others there, as well.

I love my work. I am honored and grateful to be trusted by my clients in this way. One of my clients asked me, aren’t you afraid of entities? My answer was, why would I be, I was raised by one. I’m afraid of cooking utensils. Or the vacuum cleaner. And, recently, hoodies, since I accidentally zipped my hair into one. Ow.

As we watch the news, we see a level of darkness in the world that’s oppressive, yes. But remember that the Light always prevails. There are warriors of light everywhere, in every country, pushing back against racism, fear, misogyny, and hatred. We were sent here for this time, and this reason. We were trained for this battle over lifetimes. We are fierce. We are strong. We are love. We are anchored in the light. We will prevail. Release fear, and send light to Earth Mother and all creatures great and small. The darkness shall be returned to the nothingness from whence it came. I hope this teaching was helpful. If you would like me to expand upon it, let me know. I can always do that.  Blessings, Reverend Judith Star-Medicine

** Please note: I will not be writing about the techniques that  I use to perform an exorcism, out of an abundance of caution to protect both clients and practitioners. As we have seen in the recent past, with a New Age guru killing three people in a Sweat Lodge that he was in no way qualified to lead, and other people out there professing to be Healers, that are not, ego can be a dangerous  thing. Entities are cunning, and extensive training is necessary to remove them safely.

The Paradox Of Truth

It’s always fascinated me that for some people, the truth is a beacon, and for others, earthly appearances are feared and avoided at all costs, instead of being dealt with spiritually. I’m continually surprised by that. One of my favorite quotes from the Christ is “ And the truth shall set you free”. Freedom and liberation from any negative circumstance absolutely depends upon rising up in consciousness, and seeing the spiritual truth about the situation. Refusing to do that keeps one stuck in the earthly manifestation of the problem.

The spiritual truth of everything is that we are all a living part of Divine Love and Divine Intelligence, expressing itself through us in every moment. Only by recognizing the Divine Spark held in the heart, and using that as a compass, can one transcend one’s difficulty, and be delivered from the bondage of fear. To give in to fear is to believe a lie, that the situation is too difficult for God. We must face the things that we are afraid of head on, and renounce them as having any spiritual reality or power. Choosing denial or choosing illusion is not an option, if you want to manifest your miracle.

The mind is logical and linear, it knows nothing about miracles, and how to create them. The mind grasps onto earth plane facts, and feeds them, worsening the problem. The Divine Intelligence within us understands that the universe is energy, and will respond immediately to our elevated consciousness.

When confronted with a difficulty, stand. Breathe. Quiet the chatter of the mind. “ Be still, and know that I am one with Spirit. The Divine Intelligence within me is now released into this situation, and all is resolved, under grace, in perfect ways.” Saturate yourself with the presence of Divine Love. Feel it moving through yourself and your difficulty. See yourself experiencing the perfect outcome, which is assured.

To embrace illusion or denial is to stop your Higher Self in its tracks. Do not. Move forward, unaffected by the earthly appearances. You are a spiritual being with limitless resources, through your connection to the Divine, which cannot be stopped. Your demonstration is always at hand. See the spiritual truth, and the truth shall set you free. Always. Blessings, Reverend Judith Star-Medicine