This has been a very powerful transitional time for me. I shared a few weeks ago about a death in the family. My ex husband passed away, and while it’s true that we were divorced for 28 years, I was still connected to him through my ( step) daughter from that marriage, and my grandson. I was 24 when I met my ex, and my daughter was 16. Yes, he was 21 years older than me. There was an instantaneous soul recognition between my daughter and I. We have been journeying together for 40 years. She was the major blessing that came out of that marriage.
I’ve shared over the years that I was a battered wife. I walked away from my 12 year marriage in pieces, with PTSD that caused me to wake up screaming, sweating, and shaking some nights. I want to avoid triggering anyone, so I’ll skip the gory details of my abuse. Suffice it to say, my ex was an equal opportunity offender, he beat the staff at our restaurants, the customers, anyone, when he was cycling. It was never about me, he was violent. I came close to dying.
Any woman that has survived something like this can tell you that even if you get out with your life, if you had children with that kind of person, you’re never completely free. Any abuse of them impacts you. That’s what love looks like. Watching him hurt my daughter and grandson over all of these years has been excruciating.( Especially given that at times, I was one of the few people who could reach him. ) Occasionally, over the years, I would speak to him, mostly regarding his treatment of my grandson. And he would listen, for a while.
As an Empath, I can feel anything that anyone is feeling. Marrying someone with mental illness and a personality disorder was not my wisest decision in this lifetime. I have nothing but compassion for myself, then and now. I have great love for that 24 year old woman, who never became angry, bitter, or fear-based. Yes, I experienced terror, but I believe violence induces terror. My spiritual path has been about releasing that, and teaching others to do the same. This election has been a huge trigger for me, because my ex was so much like Donald Trump: wealthy, a law unto himself, narcissistic, a bully, body shaming, and judgmental. I have great compassion for the women he has groped, shamed, and abused. I know first hand what that’s like.
The death of my ex has been surreal. On the one hand, I loved him, and have happy memories of some of our years together. On the other hand, he was not a safe person, for anyone. You never knew what he was going to do or say. I was listening to a Mary J Blige song, called “No More Drama”. The lyrics pretty much sum up how I feel right now. ” So tired, tired of all this drama. No more, no more. I wanna be free. I’m so tired, so tired. Broken heart again, another lesson learned. Better know your friends, or else you will get burned. No more pain ( no more pain) No more pain ( no more pain) No drama ( no more drama in my life) No more game ( no more game messin with my mind) No more tears. No more fears.”
After all these years, I’m finally free, because my loved ones are free. Safe. I love the woman I am, and the spiritual choices I made. I love the woman my daughter is. I love the survivors I have worked with for over 40 years. We are fierce, we are loving, we are strong. We may carry scars from what we’ve been through, but I’m proud of those. My daughter found some photos of me from that time. My ex saved them.( I have no doubt that he loved me. ) I’m posting one of them. I was 27 in that photo. What I love about it is that it captures the essence of my spirit, I think. Strong. Fearless. Kind. And it reminds me that no matter what, bullies never win. For all of you that have had similar experiences, I send you my love. I am finally free. I wish that for you. No more drama. Wow. The best is yet to come. Blessings, Judith