A few months ago there was a death in our family, which resulted in my stepson and his 16 month old daughter moving in with us. While it is true that I have four grandchildren ranging from two to fifteen years old, none of them have ever lived with me full time. So having a toddler in the house is a new experience for me, rather along the lines of that TV show “Wild Kingdom”. Meal times are especially delightful, and I’m learning new things every day. I am eager to try some of these helpful strategies the next time we go out to dinner. I am sure our server will be as motivated by them as I am with my granddaughter, Miss Vivian. In the interest of helpfulness, I am sharing these tips with all of you. Feel free to use them any time.
1. After placing your order, almost immediately begin shrieking at the top of your lungs if your food isn’t put in front of you instantaneously. This will ensure speedier, more courteous service.
2. As your server approaches your table with your food, give them the stink eye, glaring at them suspiciously, letting them know that you are on to them, and that you are aware that your food has, in fact, been laced with rat poison.
3. As the server places the food on the table in front of you, clench your jaws and turn your head away from the food. Refuse to taste it. Who knows what has been done to it?
4. After deigning to taste it, open your mouth while letting the bite of food in it drop out of your mouth onto the table in front of you, while maintaining eye contact with the server. This establishes your alpha position, letting the server know you are no one to be trifled with. Be sure your expression is as filled with scorn as possible.
5. Flip the dish of food onto the floor. This should prompt the server to offer you something else, something more in keeping with your superior tastebuds. If they do not offer you something else, cry. Guilt is a powerful motivator.
These gems of mealtime wisdom will come in handy, I’m sure, whenever you dine out. I know they have done wonders for me. Mealtime has become quite the adventure in our house. Stay tuned for my next set of tips around beauty salons and hair care. Also known as ” When blow dryers attack”.